brick by brick my citizens

The positivity continues (barely). 

I’ve definitely caught myself a few times being all grumptown and then remembered there’s not really that much to be grumpy about so then I yell at myself and say “HEY, self- chin up and go be productive” at which time I usually respond “meh” but I listen anyway. So this week I’ve been working on workplace success and adding to my responsibility plate in that area. Hopefully it’s a success because being the new(er) lab member, I still feel like I have a lot to prove and a TON to learn. In addition to being super professional and the like, I’ve also tried to be more personable and learn more about my coworkers. I don’t really have a problem there, as I already talk a lot to most of them but sometimes feel like I just talk and never really ask them about what’s going on in their life or help them with any of their issues. Anyhow it’s all a work in progress, as life tends to be. 

On a personal level I’ve decided on how i’m going to do to roommate switcheroo and feel a little bit better about it. I’m actually kind of excited to have someone that lives with me be my friend again- that hasn’t really happened since college (which OK isn’t all that long ago but still). As for the whole weight battle that’s a constant struggle for me, I did gain almost 2 pounds when I weighed in last Wednesday but either I’ve started to lose again or i’m maintaining a higher weight and need more calories daily because I’ve been really hungry. I won’t really find out until i go back to the chiropractor on Wednesday though because i don’t have anywhere else to weigh myself. Honestly I’m not even sure which one i’d rather it be, this is where I have trouble with gaining weight. My goal weight is around 110 and I’m completely fine with that number, it’s the physically gaining weight thing that gets me every time. I never want to be overweight again and eating more than my maintenance level is really hard for me to get on board with, Last week I came up with the idea that I would give my daily meal plan to someone similar in size to me and see how they felt on it after two days- if they gave the feedback that they were really hungry then I can be assured that eating more than that is not terrible and I can manage it and still be healthy. Oy that battles of my mind! So exhausting! 

There are a few things I’m looking forward to though so i’m praying that eventually I’ll just learn to be normal and let myself find my body’s comfortable weight and balance. For those that don’t know- senior year of college I was down to 79 lbs and realistically eating somewhere around 600 calories a day even though I convinced myself it was closer to 1000. I was threatened with delayed graduation and so I saw the university dietitian and went up to about 90 before commencement. In the year after that I stayed within the 90-95 range even though it was obviously not healthy since my bone mass started to give out (hence the back injury that plaques my life). Now two years later i’m up another 10-15 pounds so i’m going at a snails pace but hey…i’m moving, right? 

Now that I’ve sufficiently brought this post down in the dumps I guess i’m done for now 🙂 Thanks for reading and hang in there- tomorrow’s Friday (and warm)! 

<3Erin

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About Erin Goes Blah- I rant forever

Ever heard of Erin Go Brah? The horse obviously, not the saying! I'm him, in human form but slightly less successful and well known. Perhaps you've also heard of a man named William Shakespeare? In "A mid-summer nights dream" he says, "though she be but little, she is fierce" in reference to Hermia...I have a little bit of that in my mix too. I'm a 26-year-old big kid with occasional adult tendencies just trying to figure out my place in life. Chronically single and exhausted I am the keeper of two jobs and three pets. With approximately 2 hours of free time per day, ​I tend to use it relaxing- leading to much musings and wonderment. I plan on using this blog to reach out to others, and to my inner conscience to better understand my odd habits and talk myself out of them. I hope to bring attention to those in eating disorder recovery, by being open about my hardships and hurdles. I'm weird, silly and looking for someone to share the love with :)
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