There have been multiple times in the past few days that I’ve questioned why I do certain things- what drives me to like working out, why I have particular routines, why I dislike certain comments from people on dating websites and, most importantly, why I don’t think I should try to change them.
So, for myself as much as others, I’m going to break it down:
Working out: Other than Horseback riding I was a very inactive kid in general- thus a very round kid. After losing weight in college and incorporating exercise into my regular schedule I discovered the joys of self-competition and the amazing feeling of beating your personal best in something physical. Whether it was weights, speed, riding performance or just plain feeling better about myself I was 100% hooked. Granted, I took this to an extreme for many years and used it as my crutch- a problem I still have to some extent. However I don’t think there’ll ever be a time in my life that I go back to not wanting to exercise. I love pushing myself to new feats, the ache of a good workout two days afterward and that moment that my second wind hits and I feel like I can do anything. Working out is not so much about looking good to me, it’s about function and improvement. Abs would be great though.
Routines: This is harder to pinpoint. Some of them stem from normal reasons, like I wash my clothes on days I have time to fold them and usually on Monday when I’m done with the Gym so I don’t have sweaty clothes in the hamper for a week. I run the dishwasher on the weekend because I pre-bake things for the week and don’t want my mixing bowls to sit and mold until it’s full again. I take the trash and recyling out the day before trash/recyling pick-up so I get as much out as possible and start new. None of these things strike me as something others would find ridiculous. On another note— I use the same bowl all day long. I think this started when I was deep in anorexia, and was clinging desperately to any food so wanted to use the bowl again to make sure I got all remnants of meals. Plus in college I didn’t have much silverware. I drink hot water because I’m always cold and it’s also supposed to be a metabolism booster. When I unload the dishwasher I put the clean dishes on the bottom in the cabinet so I use all of them equally. So many quirks I could list, but in reality they all make me myself. Some I would like to be less strict on myself about, but in general I’m sure over time I’ll be influenced to switch around at some point. For now, this is the deal.
Dating Comments: I was a fat kid. I grew up relying more on my personality, so I want others to like me more for my personality than my looks. Partially because looks aren’t guaranteed, but mostly because looks only get you so far. I can only sit and look at a person for short period, but I can sit and talk to someone or share activities with them for a lifetime. What you do, what you think and what you work for are far more important than what you look like. The catch here is that since I do enjoy physical activities and being in shape, I’d like someone that enjoys that as well. If you aren’t ripped and/or jacked from the gym that’s fine, as long as you don’t want to spend a gorgeous day inside playing video games. I’m also slightly afraid that if someone likes me for what I look like, they’ll dislike me in the future if that changes. I’m not dumb, I won’t be 100 pounds for the rest of my life.
SO. In summary, these are things that make me myself. Growing up a lot of them made me self conscious, but at the moment I think they just make me a person. I’m stubborn, hard-headed but big-hearted. I’m hard on myself, but don’t expect you to baby me either. Do I want to stay the same my entire life? Of course not, but I don’t want to change because someone else demands me to either. I will change as time goes on, because of life events and personal influence.