I haven’t posted in a while. Not because I was super busy with anything particularly exciting, but because I wasn’t in a very optimistic blogging place and I didn’t want to write yet another “woe is me” story. Instead, I tried to change how I reacted to things going on in my life.
Two days after Thanksgiving my Uncle passed- which I think was a big contributor to my melancholy holiday status. I felt a lot of guilt for not going up while he was in hospice care soon enough, for not going up enough in general and allowing our family ties to fall to the wayside. We were very similar in personality- perhaps because middle children born in June all have a certain something about them. Seeing the immense amount of people come to his wake, though, made me incredibly sad. Here was a man that was loved by basically every person he came in contact with. Not liked, not tolerated..loved. A constant stream of people lined up for over 3 hours to come remember him and it was a big wake-up call for me. First, to stop taking my family for granted and second, to put more effort into the everyday relationships I have in my life. If my husband died far too early to conceive, I don’t want to have only spent 10 years with him or have our children miss their Dad during middle school dances and their first dates.
So I went up to NY the first week in December, and when I got back I tried to focus my energy on the present. I think a lot about the future, and thus far have had such tunnel vision that I apparently forgot that a certain present is needed to achieve the future I want. I’ve agreed to go on dates that I don’t really want to go on, just in case there’s an in-person chemistry I can’t pick up online. Did any of these dates work out? No. But I agreed. I watched people I’ve gone on dates with (either multiple or single) in the past celebrate the holidays with their new relationships and wondered what it was about them that was different from me. I watched couples sit together during Christmas and the trust, love and ease they felt around each other.
In 2017 I aim to continue on this path of building myself a present. Of course I still want to have a future with someone, but nobody can live up to that if they aren’t in my life now. There are things I won’t settle on, but there are definitely things I can be more lax about.