via Daily Prompt: Year
I haven’t posted in a while. Not because I was super busy with anything particularly exciting, but because I wasn’t in a very optimistic blogging place and I didn’t want to write yet another “woe is me” story. Instead, I tried to change how I reacted to things going on in my life.
Two days after Thanksgiving my Uncle passed- which I think was a big contributor to my melancholy holiday status. I felt a lot of guilt for not going up while he was in hospice care soon enough, for not going up enough in general and allowing our family ties to fall to the wayside. We were very similar in personality- perhaps because middle children born in June all have a certain something about them. Seeing the immense amount of people come to his wake, though, made me incredibly sad. Here was a man that was loved by basically every person he came in contact with. Not liked, not tolerated..loved. A constant stream of people lined up for over 3 hours to come remember him and it was a big wake-up call for me. First, to stop taking my family for granted and second, to put more effort into the everyday relationships I have in my life. If my husband died far too early to conceive, I don’t want to have only spent 10 years with him or have our children miss their Dad during middle school dances and their first dates.
So I went up to NY the first week in December, and when I got back I tried to focus my energy on the present. I think a lot about the future, and thus far have had such tunnel vision that I apparently forgot that a certain present is needed to achieve the future I want. I’ve agreed to go on dates that I don’t really want to go on, just in case there’s an in-person chemistry I can’t pick up online. Did any of these dates work out? No. But I agreed. I watched people I’ve gone on dates with (either multiple or single) in the past celebrate the holidays with their new relationships and wondered what it was about them that was different from me. I watched couples sit together during Christmas and the trust, love and ease they felt around each other.
In 2017 I aim to continue on this path of building myself a present. Of course I still want to have a future with someone, but nobody can live up to that if they aren’t in my life now. There are things I won’t settle on, but there are definitely things I can be more lax about.
I feel like I post in circles. I have the same issues going round and round in my head and no end in sight to any of them. It’s annoying to me, and probably super annoying to read about. The harder I try to put myself out there and date, the worse my experiences are. I don’t really have any other option ,though.I can’t just stop going on dates and fall back into a cave of loneliness. I cannot comprehend how people are so nonchalant about relationships, sex and dating in general. The fact that I’m looking for something to evolve into something serious seems to baffle guys minds like I’m some kind of strange alien that they’ve never encountered before and I make absolutely no sense. Then when I do make plans to go on a date with someone and he just completely falls off the earth or continually cancel, I don’t know what to do. There’s a line between being flexible and understand and being a totally desperate pushover- but where is it? My standards might be specific, but I don’t think they’re exactly high. I want someone that wants similar things in the future as I do, that I can see myself having fun with by going hiking or being active together. Someone that wants a family, likes animals and has goals for their career. I don’t want someone to treat me like a princess or a porcelain doll, but rather as someone that complements them. Body type, race, religion, height, hair color etc are all things that I obviously have preferences for but not things that I would consider to be deal breakers. Somebody reading this, please tell me what I’m doing wrong. Do I just need to settle for someone that can’t spell or form sentences? Someone that I have nothing in common with and just wants to date me to have a woman to boss around?
In other news, I’m very conflicted in my brain about riding. I want to so badly, though the plans got a little derailed when I got bad family news that will take a lot of my thoughts over the next few months. I’ll never get rid of pony fever, but I’ve also now gotten hooked on boxing and running. I want to continue to progress at the gym, and I want to do a minimum of three half-marathons this year. I also don’t exactly have the money to fork out on a lease. What to do…
Anyway- as it is likely the last day in many months that I will be able to walk outside without turning purple I’m going to go enjoy a nearby trail for a few hours.
Greetings my fair people!
Today is the day I’ve been prepping for over the past 6 months. My second half-marathon! I slowly progressed from boxing 3 days a week and doing occasional runs on top of my daily walk/hikes to adding in one run club, a body pump class, and finally another run club. There was never a time since I signed up that I thought “I’m ready for this race!”, including at the starting line this morning. I ran by myself, and was nervous that I wouldn’t have enough self control to keep going once I started to fatigue. I’m going to go ahead and say I’m actually really happy with the way things went, minus one snag that completely derailed by speed (I’ll get to that). For the second half-marathon of a short-legged, poorly put together person that running does definitely not come naturally to I think I did pretty well. The first half of the race I was REALLY happy with my time, I stepped over the halfway line at 1:11, setting me up for roughly a 2:30 finish time. My goal getting up this morning was 1) to finish 2) to beat my previous time and 3) to get 2:45 if possible. I woke up a few times last night from bad dreams of being late to the race, feeling nauseous. 5am my alarm went off and I got my bag packed, ate breakfast and worked up some nerves in my belly. The bathroom line was, of course, huge and by the time I got the chance to go we had 9 minutes until race start!
All of this sounds like it was going smoothly, right? The course was really pretty at the beginning since the sun was just coming up over the downtown skyline, but I was surprised by the lack of spectators on the sidelines throughout the whole thing. My first few miles I was paced at 9min/mile, I was ahead of the 2:30 pacers until mile 9. My knee (the right if we’re pointing fingers) had other ideas though. At mile 5 it started to hurt, but these are my knees we’re talking about so..I just kept going and made sure not to come down too hard on hills. A few miles later, there were moments when it felt like I had a needle stuck in my tendon, but if I gave it a minute or so at a walk it was fine for a good chunk of my run/waddle I had going on by that point. And then there was mile 10. I was still ahead of the 2:45 pacers, but somewhere between the 10 and 11-mile markers my knee said “screw you” and It was hard to even jog 50 feet….I mean I did on multiple occasions of course because I’m stupid and I was GOING to finish as close to my goal as possible. I ended up speed walking most of the last 2 miles, eventually the 2:45 pacers passed me at mile 12 but I didn’t really lose sight of them until close to mile 13. My finish time was 2:49, which is overall where I was thinking I’d be but still so frustrating since I know I could have gotten so close to 2:30, maybe even faster If I could have kept running. I wasn’t breathing hard, sweating or anything that makes me think I would have had to quit if I didn’t have a fire going on in my leg. Of course, as it got worse I started to run with bad form and my entire right side got all wonky, my butt hurt from trying to walk so fast and my shins weren’t exactly enjoying themselves…but all things that were easily ignored until the finish line. I was very sad to learn they didn’t have any chocolate milk this time, but I did get a kind bar. The medic tent wrapped an ice pack to my IT band and I hobbled on back to my car with some other folks, stopped to shop at Walmart where people couldn’t figure me out and now have sat on the couch for about an hour and a half.
So to sum it up- I’m ready for my next long distance in March and prepared to kill it (in comparison to my own times…to everyone else I’ll probably just run an average race).
I’m now going to attempt to move around so I don’t stiffen into a sitting position forever. Adios!
I just walked a few loops around Lake Pine and somewhere halfway around mile 2 the talk show I was listening to had a psychic on. She was reading people and whatnot, and one lady was worried about conceiving again because of a very difficult first pregnancy/birth. I started to think about how terrified I am of not being able to have kids. Really the thing that scares me is getting the news…I think once I know for sure I’d be able to adjust and move on, but being that I definitely want kids I hate being unsure of the route I’ll have to take in order to achieve that. Next up, but related to is just plain dating. It’s a scary world out there!
On a professional level, I’m scared of never really finding my niche. I feel SO close to my perfect job, but I get the two-year itch according to my job history so what if that’s a lifelong habit? Will I be able to stay steady in a position for life? Or on the other side will I not be able to keep up with the demand and get phased out when newer, better models of myself show up on the scene? If I do end up staying with my job am I ever going to have enough money to live off of? Can I retire?
Lastly, I’m still worried that my neurotic exercise/nutrition patterns will never stabilize and there will never be a day that I can simple eat a piece of cake without going for a run. OR just be able to eat a piece of cake in the first place, even if I do go for a run.
So, in the spirit of Halloween I leave you with these scary thoughts of mine.
For the most part, everything in Erinland has been going smoothly. By that I mean I have a job that seems to have a lot of growth potential, Rowena got her therapy dog certification, and I’m not dead.
For the longest time, I’ve been meaning to amass weird online dating messages on a weekly (or some kind of regular) basis and share the crazy town that is out there with everyone. This not only proves that I at least am trying, but that it’s not all my fault. For example- just about 5 minutes ago I had this lovely exchange with a 46-year-old that messaged me on okcupid.
Him: Hi. Interesting profile. Pretty smile! Just wanted to reach out and say hello and introduce myself. I’m Robert and I hope we can chat a bit…
Me: We cannot.
Him: as if i give a fuck. go away. a simple non-response would have sufficed…genius.
Me: Not responding to someone is rude. Being almost twice my age I figured you’d have learned that by now
Him: at the risk of repeating myself…as if i care…and you’d be REALLY surprised…but then again you are a floundering 20-something…
Me:If you don’t care then you shouldn’t have messaged me in the first place. Enjoy your search for someone to be your doormat.
read that and bask in the friendliness of the world
Here’s the gist of what’s been happening in the past few weeks–> I booked my Poland trip, I’m slowly killing myself with exercise, I want to quit dating. Other things that were milestones for me personally but probably really boring to hear about are the fact that I brought Albus and Percy to the vet and we all survived with no blood spillage, and Leo had his first birthday!
Poland: I’m going. I now have a reason to be excited about my birthday this year and not cry into a lonely pillow that I’m old and alone (psych don’t cry into pillows cause then you have to sleep on your tears. Always cry in the shower). The only things I’ve booked thus far are my flights and hotels, but I have the basic Itinerary planned out. We’ll be gone Tuesday evening through the following Tuesday at midnight (we=Myself and Jamie). I have a buzz in my veins about this trip and can’t stop looking at the tours and highlights of the area..so it might be a long 9 months.
Exercise: At the moment my workout routine consists of this weekly pattern: Monday I go to boxing at 9:30, usually take Rowena around lake pine for a 4ish mile walk and try to do some house cleaning or yard work in the gaps. Tuesday-Friday I have work obviously, where according to my phone, I average 6-8000 steps but I don’t know what the accuracy is there. Tuesdays I have run club at Brueprint..I’ve only done the 5-mile route once, but would like to try to make that my regular at some point. For now, I’m doing the 3-mile trek. Wednesday Rowena and I go for a walk around Lake Pine on the way home from work. Thursday is run club at Southern Peak Brewery…this one I’m definitely stuck in the 3-mile group because it’s way more competitive. Friday is a regular walk around the neighborhood trails. Saturday I go to body pump at 8:15 and boxing at 10. In the afternoon we go for a 4-5mile walk on some trail. Sunday is house cleaning/shopping morning, a short walk before boxing at 1 and then a longer walk afterward with yard and housework mixed in. An opportunity to start riding again came up and I REALLY would love to get back in the saddle, but I don’t know if I’m ready to give up any of these things…so there’s not really a time that I would able to ride without my legs dying. I’M CONFLICTED HELP! Riding also costs money, and the things I would probably end up cutting out would be run club and they’re free….plus run club is much more helpful in prepping for races since it’s running, ya know? On the other side of this situation, I’m trying to up my calories to 1800. So far I don’t think I’ve succeeded in that number ever..and if I have it was probably one time. I read an article about a girl who was eating 800calories a day and upped to 1800 and the difference it made in her workouts and body composition were amazing..but she’s not me so I don’t know what that change would do in my case.
Dating: I mean really. Have all men my age been clubbed in the head? SO STUPID! I just want someone that likes to go outside for walks more than play video games, has been to college or found something that he was able to make a career out of, likes animals and isn’t a big fat baby. Stop hammering me with interview questions right off the bat “What do you do for work? What do you do for fun? What are you looking for on here? You goin out tonight? WYD?WBU?LOL!” The end of that example? Yes. It’s true, those are apparently words. If that doesn’t occur then it’s either “hey”, “you are completely gorgeous would you like to talk?” or something along those lines. Am I in a documentary? Is the government doing some kind of experiment on me as a basis on how much stupidity one person can deal with while online dating? Not much more government, that much I can tell you.
Okay that’s all there’s a break in the rain and I have to run like a bat out of hell to make it for a walk. Tally-Ho!
Read all about it? I don’t have much to report, hence the two-week hiatus. I’ve mostly been focusing on trying to put myself out into the world and be a person of society. The other big feat is that all of my case study work is submitted and completely out of my hands- so now I can fret over my certification for an entire month. To become more social I’ve now joined another run club- so meet every Tuesday and Thursday for fun and sweaty run time with other people that don’t try to tell me it’s stupid to want to better myself and instead are just as excited as I am to challenge themselves and improve. I’ve also started going to body pump class before boxing on Saturday’s which is fantastic, but much harder than I anticipated! I’m hoping it helps me with my upper body strength and tone in general since apparently boxing for 3 years hasn’t done much in that area. Seriously though, that’s pretty much all I’ve been doing. Running more, wandering aimlessly through greenways on the weekend for hours with Rowena, reading Harry Potter again, not sleeping much, and trying to be one of those people that has their life somewhat together. Rowena is only one month away from getting TDI certified so that’s also exciting :).
One debate I need opinions on is whether or not to go with my family to Disney in January or to keep saving my money and miles to go to Poland later that spring. WHAAAA choices.
On your mark, get set, LIFE