I’m fine

So the age thing happened. It was terrible, and I’ve been singing the blues for over a week now. I did not take the birthday well, as most can attest, but I can’t change it so I’m doing my best to get over it. To be clear, the actual aging is not what bothers me…it’s not having reached any of my goals. My body has also decided to break completely, so that’s nice. In the weeks surrounding my official birthday, I developed some sort of muscle tear in my left bicep, perhaps a nerve compression? After that was around for a few days I got what I assumed was a very large trigger point on the medial side of my shoulder blade. I did actually go into the Chiropractor last week because everything was messed up and so much cracking happened. Two days after that I was in class and the very first warm-up move we did brought an explosion of pain into my right shoulder/back. Friday night I woke up in the middle of the night with a gigantic charlie horse. Basically, things are going really well and I’m in tip-top shape.

On another note, I had a meeting this morning with one of the directors at TAC and I think they’re going to help me prep for an ironman next year and let me be a partner/brand rep! This, unfortunately, adds to my dilemma of having to drop something in the gym arena….though If I keep ripping my arms off it might make sense to take a breather from BJJ for a little bit until they heal.

On a personal level. Men are trash with little to no capability of making any decisions or having an honest conversation. Should I go on a men cleanse?

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4 days

Hi, pardon, may I make an announcement? No, because I don’t really have anything to announce. I DO have stuff to ramble on about though, since I’ve left this on read for 2 months.

First of all, my birthday is 4 days away so until then I am not paying attention to any passage of time. I am the same age, possibly younger, as I was 365 days ago.


Moving on! My whole making weight situation is somewhat moot since I don’t really see myself competing in the near future in either sport that you have to weigh in for. However; I still am frustrated that I can’t control myself. Related to that not competing for stuff, I’m really conflicted on whether I should take some time off of one sport. BJJ specifically. I absolutely love training and learning the sport, but I’m not good and I’m also not really devoting enough time to it to get to the point that I’ll be as good as I want. With that time I could be training for triathlons, which I AM trying to be competitive in. Right now I’m looking for business or individual sponsorships so I can put in proper work with the right gear. If I get bites then that will definitely help me make my decision with less guilt. My goal is to do at least an Ironman 70.3 by next year and have either completed or have a scheduled 100miler. I want to push myself to those extremes and prove I can go the distance, but I need to train for them. I can’t really fit in 10 or so hours a week to prep when I’m already in the gym 11 hours doing other sports. Well, I CAN, but it isn’t really working out according to the number of injuries I’ve accumulated over the last year.

In other news, work is going much more smoothly without having to work with idiots. I will hopefully be finished with CE requirements to sit NBCAAM by January. Then I’m coming to see you Ma-sista! California in January sounds lovely.

There are other things going on that aren’t exactly positive to talk about, so I’m just going to leave those out. I’ll leave those for the mopey post ūüėČ Wish me luck getting old


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Real quick

I’m gonna just get something off my chest reaaaal¬†fast.

I’ve been off and on about my ideal weight for probably close to a year, which undoubtedly is of no surprise to anyone reading this. I’m having a super hard time with it these last few weeks for whatever reason and am trying to stay healthy and not give in to old habits. I don’t know if I’m already so minimal in my calorie intake that any further decrease is just not feasible, my body remembers what it went through for years, or I just forgot what it felt like to be hungry. I feel weak, feeble and tired and it’s so frustrating.



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You think that I am fragile like a Faberge

So after discussing my dilemma from the last post with a few people, I’m still going to try and figure out why I maintain on such a low number, but not really worry about walking around at competition weight. Especially because kickboxing and BJJ¬†weight classes are different and it’s confusing!

In other news, I’ve been studying ultra and triathlon training and the actual training plans are remarkably more simple than what I do. That got me thinking about the number of injuries I’ve accumulated over the last 8 months and wonder if I’m really pushing myself a bit too far over the edge. Since last July I’ve broken at least 3 toes, about 4 ribs, got a stress fracture on my foot, rolled my ankle, did who knows what to my finger, dislocated my shoulder 3 times and can’t even count the soft tissue damage. I’ve slowly added on exercises to my schedule until my current routine of ~3hrs of exercise a day. I sleep approximately 5 hours a night. My body hurts, but most of the time loosens up after a warm-up¬†in class, or a yoga class. There are days that I don’t want to move, but I make myself get in the pool, or go for a walk. By the time Friday night comes around I’m so tired I usually crawl into bed by 8pm. I want to fight, I want to compete, I want to run and swim and bike. I can’t pick one so I train them all, which is incredibly fun and great cross training…but also overwhelming at times. The 12 hour challenge in April has me nervous..not because I don’t think I can push through it- but because I think I WILL push and end up setting myself up for injury.

In summary I need a live-in physical therapist or chiropractor that can pop me back into place so I’m not a walking rice krispie¬†treat. Any takers?

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You need to weight.

Hello all, whoever you are. I have a dilemma that nobody wants me to talk about in person so I’m going to talk about it to myself, via this blog. I suppose if you’re reading it, then I’m kind of also talking about it to you as well. Sorry.

You know those pictures of women that are becoming popular- of them in a picture timeline that has their weight recorded over time? It’s supposed to show that weight isn’t as important as lean body mass. I’m in the middle picture right now. The one where you’re a balloon. Since last July I’ve gone from 107 (a weight I held remarkably consistently for about 5 years) to 116. The thought that I’m almost 120lbs bums me out. Is that heavy? no. is it a weight I think is normal for me…no. That’s not really my problem though, losing 5 pounds shouldn’t be that difficult, right? WRONG

My maintenance intake is about 1500 calories. Yes, I have GAINED on that. Muscle you say? Sure, but still a gain. Now I’m stuck trying to drop a few pounds with no wiggle room for a calorie deficit and it’s frustrating. Hungryyyy. Though I don’t consider most of my activities to be “working out” I regularly exercise about 3 hours a day, every day. You’d think I would be able to have at least 2000 calories right? Pat your metabolism on the head and treat it well, my friends. You could have this one.

long story short, let it balance itself out (hopefully) and cut weight when I enter a competition or get that shit under control now and suffer for a few weeks? WHAT DO I DOOOO

don’t yell, you read this on your own.


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Yesterday I was walking through the crunchy snow remains, trying to avoid falling down on slippery spots, and listening to “My Favorite Murder”- as one does on a Thursday. They started talking about things that had happened to them in the past that could have landed them in a position to be kidnapped and murdered. Eventually, the subject morphed into how ridiculous it is sometimes to be a woman in this world. As I was listening I started to think of similar situations I’ve been in, and it struck me how normal those things seem to me. A few months ago when the whole “me too” thing was going viral¬† I posted it on my facebook because it seemed like a worthy reason and honestly, at the time, didn’t feel like it was that big of a deal. As a female, I considered it normal to have been grabbed or cornered in a bar or at a party. I’ve been held down smack dab in the middle of a party, with people literally sitting right next to me, and nobody made a move to stop it. I’ve had people crawl into bed with me after a night of drinking while I was trying to sleep it off and try to have sex because I was drunk and vulnerable. Men are stronger than women as a general rule, and there’s only so much I can do to prepare myself for those situations. I started boxing, got stronger..then started meeting guys that were boxers and exponentially stronger than me. Training kickboxing and jiu-jitsu¬†is liberating to a degree- it definitely makes me feel more prepared for daily life and better equipped to defend myself against someone on the street that doesn’t know what they’re doing. However; those sports have weight classes in competition for a reason. A girl that weights under 120lbs that knows how to fight isn’t going to be a match for a guy that’s 180lbs and knows how to fight.

I hope the things and the men I’ve come across aren’t actually the norm. I’d like to think that one day women won’t walk to their cars with their keys between their fingers, or feel like they need pepper spray to walk their dog. I hope eventually a man walking towards her at night won’t make her heart start beating faster and her stomach drop when she realizes there’s nobody else around. I have a younger sister and I pray she has never had to hold her drink with her hand over the top at a party so nobody can drop something in it or discovers the panic you feel when you’re alone with a guy that can’t control his strength. Despite the less than spectacular circumstances I’ve found myself in over the years, I still acknowledge that I’m one of the lucky ones that was never really hurt in those scenarios. I’ve accumulated bruises, some trust issues and a few aggressive personality traits, but those are all things I can live with.

I’m truly interested in how these things are still so prominent when I see what are (supposedly) such nice guys on a regular basis. Is it something that just comes out unexpectedly for men? Are the fears planted in women’s¬†heads a product of media hype and outlier stories?

I know this is a rambling post- but I feel like nobody talks about these things because they’re embarrassed that they were “stupid enough” to end up in those positions in the first place..but to reach a solution it has to be discussed and trouble shooted.

Any thoughts?

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New year, new you? No. Over the course of a year, sure you’ll probably change. Between today and tomorrow though? I doubt it. Many of you will set aspirations (that are impossible to achieve), and that’s great. Working to get better is always a positive thing…but instead of waiting to do it on January first why don’t you just start whenever you think of them? 2017 was not a good year for me. It started with me, and the rest of my family, still dealing with the loss of my uncle. Less than a month later we were all dealing with another cancer diagnosis with my mom. The first half of the year had me really questioning things and trying desperately to figure life out. I wanted to be supportive and positive, but often times wanted to crawl into my bed and have someone take it all away. Having nobody to lean on really made me want to put myself out there in the dating world once again- so I did. I was so set on meeting someone that I put up with a lot more than I should from people I dated. It was the most active dating summer I’ve had since college. I learned a lot about people, myself included. A lot of the stuff I wish I wouldn’t have ever had the chance to learn, but moving forward I’m more aware of what is acceptable in a relationship and what isn’t. Wanting a partner shouldn’t give someone the upper hand over you. Nobody has the right to degrade you, push you around, make you settle or hurt you. So after a few months of life lessons, I had given up my search in the hopes that if I stopped looking then someone would find me organically.

December gave me more bad news¬†and for a few weeks, I was convinced I would never be able to find what I’ve been looking for since I was 8. I leave 2017 stronger than I entered it but no closer to my dream. I hope 2018 brings me less pain and more pleasure, but if it doesn’t then I’m prepared to deal with it in stride.

So 2018 might be a new year, but the last 365 days are what have made you a new you not the goals you’re setting for yourself at midnight.

PS thanks to everyone that did help me this year in any aspect you could. You’re all amazing and I couldn’t write really bad blog posts without you ‚̧

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