Era-tic

I don’t write on here much anymore..maybe I have less to say or maybe I have more people to say it to in person. I’m not sure. Today, however, is a day that calls for writing. A day that I need to put into words, on record…one for the books. I sure as hell can’t say it aloud because it comes out in blubberish.

This morning was one of the worst. I had to (temporarily!) say goodbye to one of the best people I have ever been in contact with in my life. I’m not sure why she allowed herself to be associated with me for this long, but I’m glad to have been able to have her in my life for the past few years. Meeting at Wellington was at least something spectacular to take away from working there. Convincing you to move in with me was possibly the best decision I’ve ever made and has morphed me into an almost human. You’ve helped me through so many things, spent many late nights sitting in the living room in the dark talking, gave me someone to watch tv with( I don’t know if I’ll be able to watch The Walking Dead alone…), made candles during ice storms, helped me eaves drop on the neighbors’ phone calls…I could go on for days.

I’m going to miss you entirely too much for one person to contain, which is possibly why it’s exploding out of me in tears. Nobody will ever be as good of a roommate/therapist to me. I’m 50% hoping you thrive in L.A. but 50% crossing my fingers you decide to come back in January. That’s a lie though, I’m only 5% hoping you thrive. Every time I come home and your car is gone, it’s going to remind me again and I’ll be sad. I can’t quite put my head around the reality of it, even after my excellent display of professional behavior at work this morning saying goodbye. In the meantime I will be planning Disneyland trips, getting some fish, sitting in your room and crying. Please don’t replace me. I hope you don’t block my number after I text you 30,000 times…

😦

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Slow curve

Any of you reading this that are around my age and remember The Lizzie McGuire movie…slow curve. That’s not the context I mean it in this particular scenario, but any Disney memory is a good one, right?

Onto the point!

If you’ve known me for any period of time, read a lot of my posts, or are psychic, you’ll know all about my past with food and exercise. Precarious to say the least. For years I’ve been pushing myself out of my comfort zone in a variety of ways in hopes I could overcome my brain on my own. Unsurprisingly, my brain is very stubborn and somewhat impossible to escape so it hasn’t been a smooth process. I’ve had many setbacks, bad days, breakdowns, and hit so many walls it’s amazing I still belong to the 3-dimensional world. Finally, after fighting for so long (as in about 6 years) I have felt the internal shift. It’s like I’ve been on a railroad track passing the switch over and over again, but always ending up going the same direction- until now. I finally got that stupid track to go the other way. I haven’t quite 100% made the turn, but at least the wheels are pointed in the right direction. Side note: I know nothing about trains and this analogy is making me feel cool.

Real life: A few months ago I randomly decided I wanted to start training for a point kickboxing tournament. Since then I’ve sparred a few times, and that goal might be a smidge farther away than I was anticipating…but it’s still a goal. As always, once I had the idea in my head, I was all in. I started researching weight classes, training schedules, watching fights, blahblahblah. In the back of my mind though I knew there was no way I’d ever get good enough at the sport to be anywhere near ready to compete without fueling my body correctly. Eating at a deficit is my norm, which is bad. I don’t so much do it on purpose anymore, it’s just how much I eat and what my body is used to functioning on. I added two training sessions a week to my routine at first, eventually ending up doing two workouts a day (sometimes more) at least 6, maybe 7 days a week. I got hungry. Being me, I obviously ran the numbers to figure out what calorie range I should be aiming for and came up with some stuff I knew I could eat on a regular basis to get up there (or at least above what I was doing before). That was weeks ago…I’m still hungry, but instead of ignoring it I’m throwing down food left and right. Really, don’t leave your things unattended. By the looks of it, I’ve finally stirred my deathly slow metabolism! I can actually eat food you guys and it’s glorious. I think my body temperature is even almost that of a human! The only negatives I’ve seen is that I sweat way too much now and my grocery bill is higher. I can give blood without having to lie about how much I weigh, I can exercise without getting completely drained, and I can gain muscle (in theory)! I’m now going to boxing 3 days a week, jiu jitsu two days, fake running 2-3 days, swimming once or twice, rucking 2-3 times and riding occasionally. When not doing those or working you can find me shoving food into my face. Don’t go overboard though; I’m still training for a bunch of stuff that I want to eat well for. Me eating a lot doesn’t mean I’m all of a sudden going to grab some deep fried butter at the fair this year.

So if you see me eating something, and the next time you see me i’m eating something…don’t worry about it. I’m just finishing up that slow curve.

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Save yourself

About a year and a half ago my older sister, Shannon, asked if I would run a half marathon with her in March of 2016. It seemed like a good challenge, and at that point was months away so I agreed. As it got closer and I started to run more often I was nervous of how terrible the experience was going to be. I’ve never been a runner, or an athlete or any kind for that matter. I maybe went on weekly runs of 4-6 miles that were a mix of running and walking. The majority of my “training” included things I already did on a regular basis (boxing, hiking, riding, walks). The morning of the race I still had yet to really push myself to even run a full 5k without stopping. The starting line was packed full of elite runners, DJ tents, volunteers, people warming up, family and friends there for support and people peeing on the sidelines because the lines for the bathroom are incredible. As everyone packed together like sardines for the countdown people chat, wish others good luck, swap encouraging words and offer advice to those that want it. There has yet to be a race I’ve done that I’ve met a rude or negative runner. People will talk to you, ease your mind, share experiences without a blink- at packet pickup, in line for the bathroom, at the start line, at the finish line, during the race…

During my first race I was slow. I’m still slow. Running with a thousand people does something to you though, it pushes you to your limits, makes you forget about anything but moving forward. It’s the best escape from life I’ve been able to channel besides reading. I love hiking in the woods to get away from people, but I’m still able to mull things over in my head and think about what’s bothering me. Not during a race. I think about running, I think about the pain, the drive, the need to succeed. Since that first race I’ve now completed 4 others, and each one continues to amaze me. I’ve seen some of the same people at all of them, to the point where we can recognize each other on course and wave or exchange “good job!”‘s. I see someone inspiring at every mile; whether it’s an Ainsley’s angels runner, a senior runner, a deaf runner or the person that has pushed too far and walks through an injury for the last mile of a race, refusing to stop. People help each other, sacrifice themselves, and rally together. People on the sidelines stand in their driveway with cups of coffee as they come out to get their papers and shout for you. As the world is slowly caving in on itself, it’s incredible to experience the high of running with such a positive group of people. Through the grimaces, the sweat, blood, tears and pain- everyone smiles. I’ve not seen one person cross the finish line in a bad mood. People stand and cheer for others they’ve never met coming down the straightaway and over the chip reader.

If you aren’t a runner, I’m sure this is true for many sports. People ask me often why I do it, what the draw is for me. It’s everything. Does it hurt? yes. Is it hard? yes. Is it worth it? yes. I will never be good, fast or have to be paced by a bike, but I’ll keep going until I can’t..and even then I’ll probably go for a little longer.

So many people are at a loss, stuck in their own heads and searching for an outlet. I recommend hitting the road, but not in a car. Hike, walk, run…do something that tests your limits and puts you smack in the middle of a situation you have to fight to get out of. Do something that makes you feel good, supports others and gives you a sense of self-worth. Don’t sit at home, complaining about the world. If you want to be saved, don’t wait for someone else to do it.

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I’m not dead yet

I haven’t posted in a long time. I’d say sorry, but I doubt anyone is really on the edge of their seats for these entries.

 

Here’s what I’ve been up to in a nutshell.

-unplugging more. I found myself in an unfortunate cycle of tv shows, so about a month or two ago I decided I was going to read at night instead. I haven’t missed any important news and I can relax at night before trying to go to sleep much better. This hasn’t really helped me sleep more, but it does help me feel less busy.

-planning my trip. I leave two weeks from Tuesday!

-exercising. I’ve been in active training mode for the triple crown since February and the last race is 6 days away. I’m nervous, excited and ready for it to be done with. I don’t know if it was a smart decision to attempt all three in such a short period of time, but I don’t have much restraint when it comes to challenging myself. I’ve also started to go to more boxing classes because once I finish the triple I want to focus more on fight prep. I probably won’t actually train for a real fight, but I’d like to go through the process and decide that once I reach that level.

-working. We’re way short staffed so I’ve been putting in a lot of hours, trying to get massage certified and add in fitness classes on the weekends. It’s a blast, but it’s tiring and kind of isolating.

-Dating. I’ve been going on real life dates! That’s probably the biggest reason I haven’t posted anything in a while because I don’t want to jinx myself or write about someone that isn’t anything to write about yet.

So I just wanted to let you know I’m still alive, just trying to live in real time instead of in a blog. Hopefully, at some point, I’ll have something to write about that’s worth sharing 🙂

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Brain drops

I’ve had trouble with over-exercising for years. I started thinking about what the initial (and long term) attraction to working out for me involves and came up with these

 

  • It has tangible goals- If I want to be able to lift more weight, run longer, run faster, punch harder etc I can work towards it and see improvements along the way. There’s no denying the fact if I go up in weight or have a faster time- to me or anyone else.
  • It’s something I have control over- The amount of work I put in is directly correlated with results. I decide
  • If people leave me hanging or abandon me midway, it doesn’t matter- Similar to previous. No matter who joins in, if they bail on me then there’s no effect on my progress. I can workout alone, which is most often what I end up doing.
  • It’s an accepted stress reliever- people don’t question it if you say you’re going to workout because you had a hard day.
  • It’s cheap- outside is free
  • You can do it everywhere – no matter if I’m on a trip, stuck at home or in the woods
  • There’s no known body limitation that applies to everyone- What I can do is not the same thing anyone else can do. There’s no limit to what I can work towards..it’s a forever puzzle.
  • If I’m sore/in pain from working out I don’t notice that I’m sore/in pain every day anyway – self-explanatory. I hurt a lot and if I drown it out with other pain it’s a brain trick.
  • It makes me feel strong- the more progress I make, the stronger I feel. I might not actually be very strong, but oh well. The better I feel physically, the more I can take mentally
  • It makes others think I’m strong- People see me working hard, putting in time and effort. They see results and weight additions…they think I’m a strong person.
  • I can stop thinking for a while- It blanks out my mind. I can ignore my stress thoughts, money worry, to-do lists and everything else that is forever on repeat
  • The variations are endless – exercise is exercise. There are so many different ways to accomplish it and I want to try as many as possible.
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Shambles

I wrote the title of this post, then realized I don’t really know what it’s from…please hold while I research. Well now I don’t think I’ll really be using that word very often because it is derived from the term for where animals used to be slaughtered and progressed to just describe a scene of carnage or disorder.

Anyways….I am not in a good place. I don’t really feel like I can write about it yet, but would really like to. Just know that if you plan on talking to me in the near future I will probably cry. Deal with it or go away- please don’t go away though because I’m sad

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Speak

Hello! Again, it’s been a few weeks. I’m trying this new thing called focusing on myself and acting on life instead of just writing about it. There are many things from 2016 and before that really get on my nerves on a daily basis but since me complaining about them on a blog isn’t going to help, I’m trying to do something about them in real life. Alas, this doesn’t really seem to be working. As hard as I may try, I can’t make people stop complaining about what their lives lack, how unfair things are etc…all while doing nothing to try a remedy the situation. I’m tired of people always blaming everyone else when things go wrong, whether that’s in a personal, professional or public setting. People have different opinions, they do things differently, but for the most part are all trying to achieve similar goals. If someone at work is on your nerves, then stop talking to that person. I’ve come to the point where I’m well aware a lot of people that work with me have absolutely no faith that my work is worth crap. Let them think that, I’ll focus on the people and animals I deal with on a regular basis that

I’m trying this new thing called focusing on myself and acting on life instead of just writing about it. There are many things from 2016 and before that really get on my nerves on a daily basis but since me complaining about them on a blog isn’t going to help, I’m trying to do something about them in real life. Alas, this doesn’t really seem to be working. As hard as I may try, I can’t make people stop complaining about what their lives lack, how unfair things are etc…all while doing nothing to try a remedy the situation. I’m tired of people always blaming everyone else when things go wrong, whether that’s in a personal, professional or public setting. People have different opinions, they do things differently, but for the most part are all trying to achieve similar goals. If someone at work is on your nerves, then stop talking to that person. I’ve come to the point where I’m well aware a lot of people that work with me have absolutely no faith that my work is worth crap. Let them think that, I’ll focus on the people and animals I deal with on a regular basis that benefit from our techniques. There’s no such thing as all people from a certain place being good or bad, and bashing bordering cities with will get you absolutely nowhere in life besides on the bad side of people that live there. So far 2017 has been mostly about people voicing their opinions, fighting for what they believe in, and standing up for themselves. All of these things are great- but it doesn’t mean you can just go around with diarrhea of the mouth, blurting out unnecessary critiques.

Do you remember the adage “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”? That’s stupid, but if you don’t have anything that will make a difference then keep it to yourself. Speak your mind on the important matters, but stop whining about a job that you can easily quit, stop moping about exercising and find something you like to do. Don’t complain about other people at work messing up behind their back without trying to fix the problem.

Go to school, to work. outside, to the gym. Go to bed early or late..wake up when you want. Have kids, don’t have kids… make your own decisions, but don’t fault others for not choosing the same ones.

 

 

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